Ravi, Just Shut Up
by Narroch
Summary: Kanda wasn't joking when he said he was going to shave Ravi's entire body! Why can't Ravi just learn to shut up? Slight KandaxRavi yaoi...if you squint.


Was I the only one reading the D. Gray-Man manga who bust out laughing when Kanda threatened to, and I quote "Shave your entire body!"

He was of course referring to our favorite redhead, Ravi. I thought it must be a mistranslation, or some cultural joke I don't understand…but the point is, he SAID it. And with me, the ramifications invariably lead to a fanfic based on those four words. Ravi didn't shut up. Now he has to pay the price. Mwaha!

**Warning- **Contains naked boys with sharp swords. (Yes, that was a Freudian reference as well as a literal one)

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Ravi stepped lightly into the shower, anticipating the scalding hot water on his aching muscles. There were some disadvantages to having to carry around his anti Akuma weapon instead of just having it as part of his body like Allen's parasitic type.

Certainly, he could control the dimensions of his giant hammer, but size was what mattered when swinging it around swatting level one Akuma out of the sky like flies. And gripping onto a huge hammer all the time, eventually, inevitably, tired him out. He grinned to himself at the sexual innuendo as the warm steam rose into his face. It never got old…"Hey there miss; do you want to touch my hammer? It grows when you rub it!"

Such comments were usually followed with a righteous stinging smack to his face, or the screaming accusations of "Pervert!!"

Flying pots and pans weren't too uncommon either…

He simply couldn't help himself. He was a natural instigator. He had a quip for every occasion; a comeback to every insult slung his way, and a naturally infectious sense of humor.

How could he _not_ share it with the world? It went to waste confined to his overactive brain. It wasn't his fault if _certain_ people didn't appreciate his genius.

As if his thought was a sly silent summoning, or just some sort of horrible karma induced coincidence, Ravi heard the shower room door slowly slide open. He immediately poked his dripping wet head through the shower curtains, irritated that he had somehow forgotten to lock the door.

"Hey! Someone's already in here! Find a different…stall…Oh, hi Yuu!" His demeanor changed instantly from a pissed off scowl, to a sugary sun-beaming smile.

Having a total stranger accidentally walk in on you showering was an embarrassment. Having a close friend (well, not _that_ close…but same difference) walk in on you showering was a perfect opportunity to embarrass the unlucky trespasser.

Ravi melted into one of his lopsided grins and nonchalantly stepped out of the shower, hands on his hips, red hair plastered to his face, in his full dripping wet nude glory. "Hey there _buddy!_ You can't find an empty shower in this dump of a headquarters? Well, wanna share this one with your good ole pal Ravi?" He bantered on happily, expecting Kanda to turn an amusing shade of red, and then run out the door with a loss of composure that fell off the chart. The young uptight man would be mortified by such an open display of male flesh.

Or so Ravi thought.

Kanda didn't start stammering backwards, or get mad or even let fly one of his venomous glares. Instead, he looked Ravi up and down, sizing him up like a piece of meat at the grocers. Somewhat disinterested, looking him over meticulously to see if the product was _really_ worth the offered price.

Ravi instantly became very self conscious as every pore and pubic hair on his body was scrutinized, not quite expecting this reaction from the Japanese man. It was one thing to use his body as a weapon…a totally different thing when it had no affect, and he was left nakedly vulnerable.

But he couldn't stop the charade now; not with that intense deadpan stare inching over him. So he kept his confident pose: pelvis thrust out, legs in a wide stance, the once mischievous grin still glued to his face even though it was an intense conscious effort to keep it there, and stop himself from shrinking back behind the curtains to escape the unforgiving gaze.

"You never shut up, do you." Kanda stated woodenly, finally making contact with Ravi's _eyes _after surveying everywhere _else_. Ravi didn't quite know what to say back to that; it was true, but not something he would _admit_ to. So instead he just grinned even wider and in his sweetest voice possible said "Well what are you going to do about it Yuuuuu-chan?"

That got a twitch from Kanda, and Ravi's confidence rose up again, only to plummet back down in horror when Kanda replied "I'm going to do what I promised you last time you didn't shut up." Pulling out his Mugen as he softly, maliciously spoke the threat…

"I'm going to _shave your entire body…_" Kanda strode forward menacingly brandishing the black sword in his hand.

"W-W-Wait! Yuu, I mean, Kanda! Can't we discuss this first?!" Ravi was now in full retreat, still nervously smiling, but with his hands up and backing away from the sharp pointy blade.

"I made a promise Ravi, and I never go back on my word." Kanda swept forward and pushed Ravi onto the tiled wall, immobilizing him by pressing an elbow to his throat.

"I'm surprised…I thought that redheads were supposed to have more hair on their chests…" He stroked the smooth torso with his sword hand, both the blade and his soft fingers ghosting lightly over Ravi's skin.

"Only old red heads with beards." Ravi replied, laughing tensely, hoping to call Kanda's bluff. This HAD to be a joke.

"Well, that doesn't leave me many other places to shave, you know…" suddenly the marauding, blade wielding hand dipped down and slowly traced along the edge of Ravi's pubic hairline. Kanda glanced down and smirked.

"Seems like you _are_ a natural redhead, Ravi."

"Well, you can't have clashing carpets and drapes; that just looks bad…" Ravi trailed off, all color draining from his face when he suddenly felt the razor sharp sword moving near a _very_ sensitive area. Kanda obviously wasn't joking.

Time to get serious…

"Careful Ravi…If you move I might cut something accidentally. My Mugen is very sharp."

Ravi instantly froze at that insinuation. Kanda wasn't joking about _that_ either. Time to get seriously stationary…

Kanda continued shearing off locks of the dark curly red hair, letting the wiry trimmings litter the ground, and not letting up even a tiny bit of pressure on Ravi's neck. He was being very delicate which Ravi was breathlessly thankful for, but he couldn't help but jerk when Kanda grabbed his cock in order to cut the hairs around it.

"Hey! Careful there!"

"I told you not to move. You never listen. That's why you are in this predicament right now. If you had shut up when I told you to it wouldn't have come to this."

"But Kanda, I think you are being a little unreaso-" Ravi was cut short when Kanda squeezed, _hard_.

"And _I_ still say _you_ need to _shut up_!" He squeezed and pulled on the accentuated words, causing Ravi quite a bit of pain, but also arousing him slightly in the process.

"Next time you don't heed my warning and stop your incessant whining, I really will give you something to _whine_ about, understand?" Ravi gave a small high pitched '_meep_' in reply. With his point made, Kanda gave on last sharp tug, then whirled around and walked out as quickly as he had come; a black phantom from the steam.

Ravi sank to the floor shaking, severely freaked out by the strange encounter.

He made a mental vow to never doubt Kanda's word ever again…It seemed not everyone made jokes like he did. Some actually followed through with them, and Kanda was one of those rare people that never broke a promise.

Ravi looked down at his naked hairless half cocked genital and groaned.

He made another mental vow…

Always lock the doors, and never, _ever_ drop the soap.


End file.
